I threw out my back on Friday and have been laid out in front of the TV ever since. That gave me the perfect opportunity to catch up on some movies, but so far the time hasn’t been put to good use.

Here is a screenshot that’s not more than five minutes into Land of Bad. This right here was enough to give me a damn aneurysm. First off, her uniform looks like shit. The labels are barely attached and just holding on while the edges are folding up. What a lazy airman. At least she would be an airman, but that rank isn’t in the United States Air force. That’s an Army Staff Sargeant rank. None of that matters though, because she clearly stole the uniform from a white woman who left her badge attached. We’re off to a really bad start.

While the protagonist stares way too long at kids cereal, the dude from Heroes walks in and comments to the drooling idiot that he should choose the box of Fruit Loops. Only people that are on anti-psychotics choose Fruit Loops over anything but wet cardboard. It’s fortunate that Heroes died shortly afterward, but not before he had chosen the nickname Fruit Loops for our impressively good-looking Air Force nerd, who would never exist in real life.

Heroes mentions how they’re going to do a HALO jump. HALO stands for High Altitude, Low Opening. The key words being “High Altitude.” The entire scene leading up to this jump is from a helicopter no more than 500 feet off the beach. Not sure why they’re jumping from a helicopter that low to ground, but it doesn’t matter. In the next few minutes, they somehow climb to a million feet just to jump back down the coast with oxygen masks.

If you can get past the massive retardation that started the movie, don’t worry because there’s plenty more waiting for you. Eventually we discover that the movie is about an Air Force drone that watches everything overhead from the far away exotic city of Las Vegas. The drone pilots are incredibly incompetent at their job and nearly get Fruit Loop killed numerous times. Sometimes other stuff happens too. A kid almost dies, a woman gets her head cut off, there’s explosions, and random bad guys die.

This movie sucks. Don’t bother unless you want to see fat Gladiator breathe heavy in a chair for over an hour.

Rating: ⭐